Behavior is communication. People do what they do because they think it will get them what they want... or because they can't control themselves. And either way, we need to listen to what they're saying. I think people want to be heard. And most of the time they don't feel like anybody's listening. They don't feel like anybody cares. We have so many distractions in life that its really kind of rare to just sit and look someone in the eye and have a real, genuine conversation. So it no wonder that people up the volume. Its no wonder that they kick and scream for attention. And then, the more they kick and scream, the more they lose control. Now, I don't think kicking and screaming is the right way to get what you want. I think God speaks in a still, small voice. Because He wants us to be still and know that He is God. I've found, in my own life, that getting into a shouting match with someone (anyone) is pointless. I've had people say they don't know if I even CAN raise my voice. For the record, I can. I just prefer not to. In fact, I'd rather walk over to someone than shout across the room. But my point is: if you're shouting, and then I start shouting neither one of us is hearing each other. We're just trying to "win" by being loudest. And if you're goal when dealing with someone is to "win"... you've already lost. One of the Seven Habits at my kid's school is "seek first to understand, then to be understood." And its a habit I think we all need to get into. My younger (not little) brother always talks about how people don't really listen to each other, they just wait for their turn to talk. Which goes back to people just wanting to be heard. Just wanting to be acknowledged. Or validated. Its so important. We have to start seeking to understand. That empathy that I've been talking about. Seeing things from someone else's point of view. Walking a mile in their shoes. Understanding where they're coming from and why they feel the way they do. Sometimes things upest other people that wouldn't upset me. I'm hard to bother. But that doesn't mean I can't put the effort in to understand WHY it upsets them. I think telling someone how to feel is about the worst, most damaging thing you can do. Because people are going to feel how they feel regardless of what you say. But if you're also making them feel bad about feeling how they feel... if you're piling on... you're hurting and not helping. Like I always tell my kid, "Feel what you feel, but don't let it control you." If you're mad, be mad. But don't throw a fit. Don't be destructive. Find a healthy way to let it out. I've mentioned my old habits--shooting free throws, going for a drive with the music cranked up, etc. Because when you're screaming and crying, throwing a fit, people will have the goal of making you stop instead of hearing what you're trying to say. It can take a lot of time and effort to get past that... call it a fit, I guess. To hang in there when someone IS screaming at you. But if you do let them let it out... then you can come to that place of understanding. You can come to that place of being able to connect with them. HEAR them. And maybe even help them. 

There's a scene in an Adam Sandler movie--I can't remember which one at the moment, maybe Big Daddy--where someone like yells at him and he says, "You're mad at your dad, not at me. I forgive you!' And here's the thing... there's so much truth there. Because I'm convinced that people are more for themselves than they are against you. That's why I always say, "Don't take it personally, even if it is." You can't give what you don't have. And you can only give what you do have. So if someone lashes out at you... that says more about them than it does about you. Now, I said all that to say this: When someone lashes out at you, you have a choice. You can either smack back... or you can turn the other cheek. You can let people express themselves--even if the only thing they have to express is anger--or you can shut them down by trying to shut them up. You can help or hurt. You can acknowledge and validate people... or you can, in a sense, kick them while they're down. Piling on never helps. When I need to correct my kid, I tell him what what's--what happened, what needs to happen--and then I ask him if he's got it. If he's got it I always say, "Good, then I won't say anything else about it." Because talking things to death just wears people out. Telling them what they already know, or telling them how they should be feeling, usually does more damage than good. Like I do with the Guerrilla Gospel videos. Get in, make your point, and get out quick. But here's my point for tonight (before I get out quick): people are going through stuff. And a lot of it probably doesn't have anything to do with you. So even if (when) they lash out at you, don't worry about it. Let them vent. Let them feel what they feel. If its anger, let them be angry. If its sadness, let them be sad. Romans 12:15 says it like this, "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep." Empathy. Feeling what other people are feeling. Seeing things from their perspective, their point of view. Understanding that there's more going on than meets the eye. I think people are like ducks. Cool as a cucumber on the outside--above the surface--but kicking their feet like mad to keep their heads above water. What's that old phrase? "Everybody is fighting a battle that you know nothing about. So be kind." Let people go through what they're going through. And if you can help them, that's fine. But if you can't, at least try not to make it worse. An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, right? So if someone's yelling at you... maybe don't yell back. Maybe take the time to find out what's really going on. Acknowledge their feelings. Validate them. "I hear you. I understand." And, one more thing, sometimes people aren't ready to talk. That's ok. Sometimes they need to just scream first. Let those emotions out. So don't retaliate, and don't turn and run. But don't force yourself on them either. Just make yourself available. Just be there for people. Let them be who they are. Let them go through what they're going through. Be understanding. Be patient. Be kind. Make sure you're helping and not hurting. 

I knew a social worker once who would always say, "I hear you saying..." and then whatever she thought the person was saying. "I hear you saying you're frustrated." Etc. And for whatever reason, that stuck with me. If nothing else, she was acknowledging the person and their feelings. Because its not really fair to say to someone, "That's not something to get upset about." Because if they're upset about it... and you're telling them not to be... in their eyes you're wrong. And if you're coming from a place where you're wrong (in their eyes), they won't be able to hear anything you say. You've lost them at that point. Because they're feeling what they're feeling, whether you think they should be or not. Whether you think you would feel the same way or not. Like I always tell my kid, "Feel what you feel... but don't let it control you." Because whether or not its worth getting upset over, throwing a fit about it isn't going to help anything or anybody. But pretending you don't feel the way you feel--especially because someone has told you not to feel that way--can be even more damaging than throwing a fit. At least when you throw a fit you get it out. Probably not in the most productive, healthy way. But when you try (unsuccessfully) to bury it you're making things way worse in the long term. So I guess what I'm trying to say today is: Don't tell people how to feel. And if someone DOES tell you how to feel, don't listen to them. Be understanding. Put yourself in their shoes. Empathy, right? Try to see it from their point of view. See where they're coming from. Have some patience. Let people be who they are. Let people be WHERE they are. It doesn't matter how you think they should be feeling. It matters how they're feeling. Because, like I said, they're gonna feel how they feel no matter what you think about it. So you can make things worse or you can make things better. You can help, or you can hurt. And when you don't acknowledge them, you're hurting. When you try to put your standards or expectations on people... you're not helping. I think we spend too much time disappointed in people because they don't live up to our expectations. And here's the deal: That's not their fault. That's OUR fault. That's a self-inflicted wound. Just because something is right for ME doesn't mean its right for anybody else. So if I expect them to be the same as me... that's entirely on me. We have to let people breathe. We have to let people be. And by acknowledging them we are validating them. Not just validating their feelings, but validating THEM as people. "I hear you. What you're saying matters. YOU matter." I think people want to be heard. Because they don't feel like anybody cares. So they up the volume. Kick and scream. I don't think kicking and screaming is the right way to BE heard, but I think people feel like its their only option. So rather than letting it get to that point... acknowledge them. I hear you saying what you're saying. And what you're saying is ok to say. What you're feeling is ok to feel. If you're mad, be mad. And then we'll calm down and figure it out. But I'm not going to tell you not to be mad. I'm just going to try to help you through it!

This Rant series kind of picks up where the last one left off. Its the idea of meeting people where they're at. And for the next few days I want to focus on what it means to meet people where they're at. Specifically letting people BE where they are. LETTING people be where they are. Allowing people to go through what they go through. Let me say it like this, "Wherefore receive ye one another, as Christ also received us to the glory of God" (Romans 15:7). God takes us as we are. Right in the middle of our mess. He makes a message out of our mess. So we need to take each other as we are. I know there's this idea of, like, almost ignoring the bad things that happen in order to "get past them." Get over them. What have you. And there might be something to that. I don't think its good to dwell on things. I think laying aside the sin (unbelief) and the weight that so easily besets us is a good thing. But here's the deal--I can't set aside what YOU'VE been through. That's not fair. And just because I may not have been through what you've been through (or what you're going through), doesn't mean that I can't be sympathetic about it. What I'm trying to say is this: We need to let people acknowledge their feelings. I always tell my kid, "Feel what you feel, but don't let it control you." And we need to acknowledge people as they acknowledge what they're feeling. I can't tell you how frustrating it is when someone blows you off. We have to validate people. Make them feel heard. "That's not an appropriate response." Says who? If you're upset, be upset. That's valid. And don't hold it in either, because the longer you hold stuff in, the more likely it is to explode. The key is to find a healthy way to let it out. I used to shoot free throws in my driveway. Then I got a car. Drove around. Music blaring. You gotta feel what you feel. And you gotta let it out. Sometimes when I'm really upset about something these days (which isn't often, but still) I have to write it down. Express it. Let it out. Acknowledge it. And I know that's hard sometimes. I'm both blessed and cursed with self-awareness. But not everybody is. Sometimes the most people can figure out is that they're in a bad mood. I get that. But if someone's in a bad mood... it's not necessarily your job to "fix it." Sometimes its better to just be there for them. And that's where that connection, that relationship I'm always talking about comes in. Knowing who you're dealing with so you can, well, deal with them. Sometimes the least you can do is the most you can do. "I'm here if you want to talk." And then be there. Whether they want to talk or not. Don't force yourself on them, but make yourself available. Acknowledge that they're going through something. Even if you don't understand it. Let someone who is mad be mad. Let someone who is hurt be hurt. And--this is a big one--don't take it personally if they lash out at you. Hurting people hurt people. Because they can't give what they don't have and they can only give what they do have. What's inside comes out. And that's ok. Let it out. Let people let it out. And then you can figure out what comes next. Then you can move on. Onward and upward. Onward and God-ward!

A meeting, realistically, is supposed to be a two way street. Give and take. Talking AND listening. We're not supposed to just berate people. We're not supposed to try to force people to be where we're at. We're supposed to meet people where they're at. Remember the woman caught in adultery? Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dirt. He didn't put His standards on anybody else. In fact, what He did was He put the accusers standards back on THEM. "Whoever is without sin throw the first stone." And, by the way, HE was without sin. If He wanted to, He could have met that standard. He could have thrown that stone. But He didn't want to. He wasn't interested in condemning anybody. In fact, He said, "For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved" (John 3:17). His meeting place with us was not one in which He slammed us. It was one in which He saved us. He met us where we were at--when we were dead in our trespasses and sins--and He brought us back to life. And not just any life, but HIS life. His abundant, everlasting, eternal, Resurrection Life of love. He stooped down to where we were at... and then He elevated us to where HE'S at. Look at Genesis 46:4, "I will go down with thee into Egypt; and I will also surely bring thee up again: and Joseph shall put his hand upon thine eyes." Go down... and bring us back up. That's how God operates. He CALLS us up, yes. But with that call He LIFTS us up. Its not us trying (and failing) to follow in His foot steps. Its Him making His own foot steps in our feet. Its Him CARRYING us. So instead of just talking AT people, we need to learn to talk TO people. To listen. To hear. To stop trying to force ourselves (or our God) on people. Live and let live. Let people be who they are. And if you see a need that you can meet... do it. Offer it. Make it available. But if they're not picking up what you're laying down... that's ok. Don't worry about it. You can't reach everybody. And you don't have to. You're not expected to. The best kind of meeting is that love feast, right? Come hungry, leave happy. Give people a full belly and they'll be much more open to whatever else. Meet a natural need and you'll find out that that is, in fact, Spiritual. You don't need to make people jump through hoops. Freely you have received, freely give. Don't make people try to earn a gift. Gifts can't be earned. Don't put your standards on people. They haven't necessarily been through what you've been through. You can't expect them to be where you are. Expectations are the biggest, easiest way to set yourself up for disappointment. Because, bottom line, people are going to do what they're going to do. They're not always (or ever) going to do what you want them to do. But that doesn't mean you can't love them anyway. Meet them right where they're at. And don't expect anything from them. Just give them what you've got. And receive what they've got. I think I'm going to follow up on this starting tomorrow--but even if someone only has bitterness or hurt... you still need to acknowledge it. You need to meet them where they're at, even in the middle of their mess.

A successful meeting happens when we find common ground. I've said already that we can't expect people to come up to where we're at. Because while we're all running the same race, so to speak, we aren't all on the same lap. We aren't even all following the same path. So we can't expect people to be where we're at. But we CAN use where we've BEEN at to meet people where they're at. We can use common experiences. "I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt." And if I've been through what you're going through--rather than expecting you to already be through it--I can HELP you through it. Remember, a map is nice but a guide is priceless. When you know the way, you can show someone the way. When you have experience--and can I just say? A man with an experience is never at the mercy of a man with an argument. Heart knowledge trumps head knowledge every time. KNOWING something, because you've experienced it, is different than "knowing" something because you've heard about it, or read about it, or what have you. So when you have experience you can use that experience to help. Its not, "I know this already, how come you don't?" Its, "I know this, let me show you this." And even still people might not always be ready for your help. That's ok. Its hard, and its frustrating, and it doesn't FEEL ok... but its ok. Its not your job to fix everything. You can't reach everybody. But if you plant a seed--of love--chances are someone else will water it. You might never know what happens with that seed. But that's ok too. You don't need to know everything. All you need to do is meet people where they're at and give them what you've got. Try to give them what they need, but remember that you can't give what you don't have. I know I'm not for everybody. And that's ok. Because while there are some people I absolutely cannot reach... there are some people I am uniquely qualified and positioned to reach. For example: my family. The people in my home. They say charity starts at home and I'm a big believer in that. Mother Teresa said, "If you want to change the world, go home and love your family." Those are your strongest connections. And it is through our connections that we can truly reach people. If people know you care about them, they'll be able to hear you. And the best way to show you care is to see a need and meet it. Don't make people jump through hoops. Jump through hoops for people! Show them that you care by laying your life down for them. Sacrificial love. Give them everything you have and everything you are. That's what love is. Love is giving. Giving yourself. People are, let's be real, self-centered. Its hard to see past yourself and your needs. So when someone steps up--or lays down--to meet you where you're at... to meet those needs... that's powerful. That's... love!

I think probably the best way to meet people where they're at is to invite them to dinner, so to speak. Because when the Bible describes God as love, the word "love" means "love feast." And there's nothing more inviting than coming over for free food. That also takes care of first in the natural then the Spiritual. When somebody's belly is grumbling, they can't hear anything but that emptiness--physical emptiness--inside them. But when someone has eaten, and they are feeling fat and sassy, that's when they might in a better position to hear you. Let me say it like this, "And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely" (Revelation 22:17). Did you catch that? The Spirit and the bride doesn't say, "Come... or else!" The Spirit and the bride say, "Come and get it!" The water of life is made available. If you're thirsty, if you want it, come and get it. We're not forcing people to come up to where we're at. We're not making people jump through hoops in order to get what they want--what they need. We're simply making it available. That's the whole point of Word Without Walls ministry. Making love available to people without restriction. Making it readily available. Making it a welcoming environment. Showing people that they can run TO God, instead of running FROM Him. We have to start presenting God correctly. As He is. Not scary. Not out to get us. But a loving heavenly Father. A love feast that satisfies our every desire and appetite. Look at Psalm 37:4, "Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." Delight and desire. And the key is: God IS the desire of our heart. Because LOVE is what our heart desires. Period. Delighting in love is how we experience love. Because love is giving. Giving what you have. Giving who you are. Seeing a need in someone and meeting it, if you can meet it. That's what living out of abundance is all about. That's how we experience the gift we've been given. We give it away. We share it. Jesus came that we might have life, and that more abundantly. And love is what makes life abundant. Living out of our abundance is living a life of love. Letting God love us and loving each other with that same love. Giving what we've got. Giving what people need. Inviting them to dinner. And I mentioned the natural aspect of that, but you can have dinner with someone even if there's no natural food involved. You can break bread with someone. Meet with them. Connect with them. Give them your ear. Give them your heart. A hug. A Word (love) in season. Sometimes the smallest things are the biggest things. Because when you feel like you have nothing... listen. When its dark out, any glimmer of light is welcome. The brightness of the sun (SON). So, like, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Show people what you have. Because what you have is what they need. Not making them jump through hoops, or have to earn anything. But making what you have available. Presenting it to them. Telling them to come and get it!

You can't expect people to meet you where you're at. You have to meet them where they're at. Just because you understand something doesn't mean they will. Because your experiences are different than theirs. We're all on the same journey, if I can say it that way, but we aren't all at the same place on the journey. All running the same race, but not all on the same lap. And, like I mentioned yesterday, meeting people where they're at means not meeting them empty handed. Seeing and need in them and meeting it. Look at Luke 3:10-11, "And the people asked him, saying, What shall we do then? He answereth and saith unto them, He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise." What should we do? Feed someone who's hungry. Clothe someone who's cold. Live out of your abundance. Give what you've got. Because if someone's cold and hungry, meeting those natural, physical needs is way more effective than telling them how much God loves them. Its the difference between showing and telling. "If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?" (James 2:15-16). We can't expect people to hold their breath long enough to get down to where we might like to swim. We have to, instead, make things easy for them. That's what Word Without Walls ministry is all about: Love without exception and restriction. Making the gospel--the good news, the truth that God is love and He loves you--accessable to people. And there's no better way to show love than to meet physical needs. I'm telling you, when I'm hungry... its hard for me to focus on anything else. When I'm hungy I'm no good until I fill my belly. So if we want to put people in a position to receive what we have for them Spiritually, we need to first make sure they're taken care of in the natural. First in the natural, then in the Spirit, right? That's the divine order of things. And furthermore, when you see someone's need and meet it... that builds a connection. That shows them that you care. That opens them up to listen to what you have to say. Because if people don't think you care about them, they surely won't care about whatever Bible verse you're trying to shove down their throats. And, listen, there ARE some people in my life that I can send a Bible verse to and it might be just what they need. But that's because we've already built that relationship. We've already made that connection. Most of the people in my life would probably roll their eyes if I listened to their problems and spouted off a memory verse. But those same people would feel a lot better if I just listened to them. If I gave them an ear. Or a shoulder to cry on. If I showed them love. Showing, not telling. Showing them Jesus by loving them (right where they're at) instead of telling them about Jesus. So see a need and meet it. If you have two coats, and someone needs one... give them one. That's such a huge deal to the person in need. That's how we meet each other and connect with each other and love each other!

I think something that is overlooked oftentimes is empathy. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Seeing things from their point of view. And this is important because we have to meet people where they're at. We can't expect people to know what we know, or understand what we understand. Because people haven't experienced what we've experienced. And, listen, while this human condition of ours is very individual... it is also very communal. If I can say it that way. We all go through the same stuff. Like I said, the human condition. But we go through the same things... differently. And if I've been through something, I CAN help you get through it, to a degree. I've heard preachers say it like this, "Its better to have a guide than a map." And the guide, of course, is the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of Truth that leads and guides us into all truth. The truth that God is love and He loves you. But let me try to make my point: Meeting peopel where THEY are at is the only way to make that initial connection. Get your foot in the door, so to speak. Look at 1 Corinthians 3:1, "And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ." And while that might sound a little bit like a negative thing, "I couldn't even speak to your Spiritually," I see it as Paul using wisdom. Some of the best conversations I've ever had about God were conversations that didn't even use the word "God." Because we were simply talking about life. About love. God IS love. God IS life. So you don't have to be "religious" in order to be Godly. In fact, I think religion is the opposite of God. Doesn't it seem like the only people Jesus ever got mad at were religious folk? And, to be honest, I get mad about that stuff too. When people say things like, "Well, I need to pray about it," when what they're really doing is just hiding behind the idea of God, or prayer, in order to further their own agendas. God is love. The Spirit leads us to love. Its not complicated. You don't always have to pray about what to do. Just love people. Period. But religious folk always want to hold other people to their own standards. Or, worse yet, higher standards than they even hold themselves. Did you ever notice that people who attack and accuse others are usually guilty of the very things they are attacking and accusing others of doing? Because you can't give what you don't have. What's inside YOU is what comes out--or what you believe is inside you comes out. Liars don't believe people because they themselves are dishonest and they think everybody is like them. For example. So instead of forcing our standards on others... we need to meet people where they're at. And--this is going to be a big part of this Rant series--it's not just meeting people where they're at, but its meeting them WITH what they need. Being a gracious host, or gracious houseguest. Not coming to the party empty-handed. Seeing a need... and meeting that need. You don't have to force "Jesus" down people's throats. They'll choke on Him. But you can show people who Jesus is... by meeting them right where they're at and feeding them with love!

I want to (hopefully) end on kind of high note. Consequences are not only negative. They are natural. What you get out of it is what you put into it. Look at Hosea 10:12, "Sow to yourselves in righteousness, reap in mercy; break up your fallow ground: for it is time to seek the LORD, till he come and rain righteousness on you." We sow by the choices we make. If we sow in righteousness we will reap in mercy. But there's something else here that we need to focus on real quick. HE will come and rain righteousness on us. We sow in righteousness... but it is the righteous rain of the Lord that makes what we sow... grow. Let me say it another way, "I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase" (1 Corinthians 3:6). You don't have to make things happen. You just have to give what you've got. Love is giving. Giving everything you have and everything you are without worrying about how people will react to it. Even though it feels like the more you love, the less you are loved. Because--watch this--if you're sowing love so that you can reap love... if you're loving someone so that you can get something from them... that's not love. Love is NEVER about getting. I just said it: Love IS giving. Giving because you have something WORTH giving. Giving because you want someone to have what you've got. And that, by the way, is how you "sow to yourself." You take care of yourself by taking care of others. You break up your fallow ground so that the seeds you plant (and the seeds others plant in you) can take root... and grow. And like I mentioned--its not your job to make things happen. Once a farmer has planted the seed, his part is done. He can't MAKE the seed grow. He uses wisdom, certainly, making the best conditions FOR the seed to grow. Planting at the right time. Watering the seed. But like Paul said, sometimes you plant and someone else waters. That's ok. We're all in this together. And no matter who does what... it's God that gives the increase. It's LOVE that makes things grow. I spent a whole Rant series talking about how important it is to nurture the good (the God) things in your life and starve the things you don't want in your life. This is kind of like that. We have to start counting the cost before we just barrel ahead and do whatever we want. We CAN do whatever we want... but that doesn't mean we SHOULD. Like my grandpa says, "You can do whatever you want, as long as you're willing to pay the consequences." Because the consequences are going to come. If you sow the wind you will reap the whirlwind. In a positive OR negative connotation. The wind is the Holy Spirit. I hope we saw that yesterday. There's nothing better to sow than love. Because it brings such a huge increase. Because God not only BRINGS the increase, but God IS the increase. Love feeds on love and grows and grows and grows. A Holy Ghost wildfire that cannot be contained. The love inside too big and too good to STAY inside. And the consequences of THOSE actions--actions of love--are easy to live with.