Acknowledge Them part 2
I knew a social worker once who would always say, "I hear you saying..." and then whatever she thought the person was saying. "I hear you saying you're frustrated." Etc. And for whatever reason, that stuck with me. If nothing else, she was acknowledging the person and their feelings. Because its not really fair to say to someone, "That's not something to get upset about." Because if they're upset about it... and you're telling them not to be... in their eyes you're wrong. And if you're coming from a place where you're wrong (in their eyes), they won't be able to hear anything you say. You've lost them at that point. Because they're feeling what they're feeling, whether you think they should be or not. Whether you think you would feel the same way or not. Like I always tell my kid, "Feel what you feel... but don't let it control you." Because whether or not its worth getting upset over, throwing a fit about it isn't going to help anything or anybody. But pretending you don't feel the way you feel--especially because someone has told you not to feel that way--can be even more damaging than throwing a fit. At least when you throw a fit you get it out. Probably not in the most productive, healthy way. But when you try (unsuccessfully) to bury it you're making things way worse in the long term. So I guess what I'm trying to say today is: Don't tell people how to feel. And if someone DOES tell you how to feel, don't listen to them. Be understanding. Put yourself in their shoes. Empathy, right? Try to see it from their point of view. See where they're coming from. Have some patience. Let people be who they are. Let people be WHERE they are. It doesn't matter how you think they should be feeling. It matters how they're feeling. Because, like I said, they're gonna feel how they feel no matter what you think about it. So you can make things worse or you can make things better. You can help, or you can hurt. And when you don't acknowledge them, you're hurting. When you try to put your standards or expectations on people... you're not helping. I think we spend too much time disappointed in people because they don't live up to our expectations. And here's the deal: That's not their fault. That's OUR fault. That's a self-inflicted wound. Just because something is right for ME doesn't mean its right for anybody else. So if I expect them to be the same as me... that's entirely on me. We have to let people breathe. We have to let people be. And by acknowledging them we are validating them. Not just validating their feelings, but validating THEM as people. "I hear you. What you're saying matters. YOU matter." I think people want to be heard. Because they don't feel like anybody cares. So they up the volume. Kick and scream. I don't think kicking and screaming is the right way to BE heard, but I think people feel like its their only option. So rather than letting it get to that point... acknowledge them. I hear you saying what you're saying. And what you're saying is ok to say. What you're feeling is ok to feel. If you're mad, be mad. And then we'll calm down and figure it out. But I'm not going to tell you not to be mad. I'm just going to try to help you through it!