Open and Honest part 1
Warning: As the title of this Rant series would have you believe, I'm going to be open and honest about something. Ready? I always feel like there's something more. Something I'm missing. Like there's a hole inside of me. A love shaped hole. And it makes me afraid. Afraid that I'm going to miss out on something. Afraid that no matter how hard I try... no matter where I look... I'm not going to be able to find love. True love. The kind of love that would lay down it's life for me. And I'm afraid that even if I did encounter that kind of love... I wouldn't know what to do with it. I wouldn't recognize it, or trust it, or believe it. I'm afraid that I'm not worthy of someone loving me like that. Afraid that even if I found it, it wouldn't last. Not for me. And yet, even in the midst of all of this doubt... I know the truth. Really, I do. I know that the Father loveth the Son and hath given all things into His hands. That's the ultimate truth of the universe. That's what the Holy Spirit--our love receptor--leads and guides us into. So that we can understand (and experience) the truth that we know. If we're open to it. But that's the rub. Because it's so hard to take that first step sometimes. So hard to walk by faith and not by sight. Because what we see is what we be. We can't give what we don't have and we can only give what we do have. So while the world is piling up enormous amounts of evidence as to our unworthiness, as the the idea that we are unlovable... if that's what we see, that's what we be. If that's what we have, that's what we give. We ACT unlovable if we BELIEVE we're unlovable. We act bitter if all we've been given is bitterness. We believe the lie because we don't know any better. The lie sounds--not GOOD, but RIGHT. It makes sense. The serpent hissed in Eve's ear and basically said, "You're not good enough right now, but if you do this, this, and this you can become good enough." And man did that hit the spot. Because of course we're not good enough, right? The worst kind of condemnation is self-condemnation. And that's also the easiest kind. Because I know myself better than anyone else. I know every bad thought, and every bad thing I've ever done. And for whatever reason the bad always seems to outweigh the good. (Which, of course, is why we aren't supposed to judge by good and evil. Not judging by appearance, but judging righteous judgment.) So, because we "know" how bad we are we close ourselves off to the very love that we crave. We get hurt, and then we think that by closing off our hearts (making our hearts hard) we're protecting ourselves. But we're not. We're just feeding the lie. Setting ourselves up for more failure and heartache. A hard heart is brittle. It breaks at the slightest hurt. So what do we do? Dig a little deeper. The world piles up on top. Love comes from within. If you're looking for it anywhere else you won't be able to find it because you're looking in the wrong place. In order to be open and honest (with ourselves, and each other) we have to live from the inside out. Know what's in there and let it out!